Losing Yourself and Loved Ones
(Image Credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash)
The pandemic has definitely taken a toll on many. There are deaths, business closures, lay-offs, and loss of everyday living like we knew it.
All of these losses can impact us. We can lose ourselves as well.
Grief comes in many forms. Our mental health is being challenged like never before.
Employers, leaders, parents, and friends - we need to look for signs and help each other out. This post is not my typical “what leaders and employers should do”.
It’s a bit of a free-flow blog that simply depicts some of my current reality. And some of it, you or your family, friends, or colleagues may relate to.
I had hoped that I would celebrate Joy in January. Every year I think of a word of the year, and this year it is Freedom. I also think about themes for the month personally and professionally. Joy in January just didn’t turn out that way. Yes I have to admit - this month has not been easy.
January is always a difficult month for many who have anxiety or depression, and up here in Canada the winter can be tough. Seasonally adduced depression or seasonal affective disorder is real and it’s no wonder between the pandemic and this time of year that people are pretty SAD.
I have felt this energy shift even though I’m not surrounded by people every day; it’s evident online and in the air. You could feel the “January blues” seeping in.
I see the struggle around me everywhere. In my family, amongst my friends and colleagues, and in workplaces that we support. I just watched an IG live of a colleague who was talking about how she had a tough day - people need each other!
We are in a lockdown here in Ontario and we need to support others as much as we can!
At Life Works Well, we endeavour to help where we can. Giving is in our DNA, and part of our core values.
But sometimes we’re having a tough time too. And that’s okay.
Yet, we persevere and dig deep to give to ourselves and to others. It’s a must as our other values include energy, giving and enthusiasm.
This month it was more of a challenge to live those values.
In January at Life Works Well we decided to focus on Alzheimer’s Awareness Month and dementia as it hits close to home. My mom and our family have been navigating this illness for a few years now, and the last year has been even more challenging.
Karolina (or Karol) was always a super strong and independent woman. She raised five children pretty much on her own, while working as well, sewing clothes, cooking great meals for us, and often for many from the neighbourhood. Not only did our mom take care of the household she always found time to help out others.
After my Dad passed away she was lost for a bit, but blessed to find another love and enjoyed travel and dancing and living life to the fullest. This time someone was helping take care of her. Unfortunately, she then became a caregiver again when this love battled cancer.
This is likely when mom’s decline started but we may not have realized as she’s always been tough and there for everyone. As she lived on her own, she still managed to come over to do some gardening, help all of us when needed and take care of her grandchildren. She was always giving so much to all of us in so many ways.
Then she started forgetting things, getting lost to come to my house one day, repeating things. We thought it might be natural aging. We had a lot to learn.
When you’re all busy with your own lives, carting around kids to hockey or school, working and navigating your own life you can miss out on some signs. Yet Mom was still walking to the store, driving her car, and getting groceries and living on her own.
Then another major sign, when she was at my brother’s house and accidentally stepped on the gas instead of the brake and flew back across the road and hit the neighbour’s house. Luckily she and my aunt weren’t hurt badly! I started taking Mom to physiotherapy and spending more time with her as driving was no longer an option. It’s then that I realized there was a lot more going on here.
My eldest brother was able to drop in frequently as he lived around the corner, and so he helped out a lot. He had degenerative heart disease (worked part-time due to his disability) and so he had a bit more freedom to check in on her, and take her to appointments.
Then another loss hit Mom and our family hard. We lost my brother suddenly to a major heart attack. I think this may have also impacted her greatly. Well, I know it did as we all felt it.
Loss is tough. Losing a son must have been devastating.
I started to take on more responsibility for Mom as I lived closest. I was juggling taking her to appointments, checking in and making sure she was eating, and navigating family life while the loss of Richard had its own impact on me. It’s a bit of a blur as I look back now and a very tough time for all of us, as we mourned and also dealt with this loss.
I read this passage on loss the day I wrote this blog:
We face many losses along the way. People we love disappear from our lives; we may lose a career, money, or something else we valued. We can lose our dreams, too. But looking for quick replacements as a way to avoid feeling pain about the loss won’t work. And we’ll miss the lessons. Before we can go on, we must feel our sadness about what we lost. Losses demand acceptance.
“Eventually life will send you new people and new dreams. Cherish this time to grow and learn. Cherish what the universe is teaching you now. ”
As I think about my mom’s losses, that are my losses as well, I thought I’m also losing my mother as I knew her even though she’s here. So I need to come to terms with the grief associated with that and move toward a different way of enjoying her presence. Maybe that’s the lesson, find the joy in January, despite the difficulty. As it is still there.
As I continue some of the story about my mom and while the decline continued to be a bit gradual eventually my siblings and I realized it was time to get care for mom or move her where she could have more help. It was a year or so of trying to understand what was happening with her health and navigating the health care system. We stumbled a lot (well I did anyway).
My hubby did a lot of research for me as he saw I was struggling to do anything. I had a few really down years that impacted my home life and career. A post for another day.
As we began to research and understand that our once strong, beautiful, and feisty mom had Alzheimer’s, we put the supports in place that she needed, but we knew there would be more. We are living that “more” now.
We had a great session for our mentor circle In January and while a tougher topic it was an open discussion about dementia and Alzheimer’s. If you think you need some help on this we have posted some resources that you can check out here.
It had been going well for a couple of years when we moved mom to a retirement home where there were activities and meals and supports, but even prior to the pandemic, the further decline began. There are so many stories I could tell, and perhaps one day I will share more. It’s not always easy to talk about this part of my life.
We are so blessed for the care mom is receiving and continuing to receive. The last year has been most difficult as she has been hospitalized twice (and yes once in January which is why it was difficult). There have been three outbreaks in her home (and this is not a long term care facility), yet we remain grateful. Everyone is doing the best they can given the world we are living in.
And here’s the thing - Karolina doesn’t even know there is a pandemic! A silver lining in and of itself. We’ve had some great visits when I can get there, and I know she’s being looked after when I can’t.
I share some of this as a way to say one day everything might be fine, and then it all changes. Someone at work who was a superstar may be looking exceptionally tired because they have caregiving challenges, or they may be feeling down themselves.
Check in on others and don’t be afraid to ask if they need help. Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help yourself if you need it.
It’s okay. We are all human.
And I guess that’s the point if you’ve read this far.
We are all part of the human family so be kind, compassionate, and understanding towards one another at home, work, and in the world.
And thanks for letting me ramble a little. Tomorrow is another day!
